Down Under Humor

Thanks to The Commander for today's funny...


I'm told these questions were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humour (not to mention a low tolerance threshold for cretins!)

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Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia ? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK).

A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
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Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)

A: Depends on how much you've been drinking.
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Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)

A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
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Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia ? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay ? (UK)

A: What did your last slave die of?
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Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ? (USA)

A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe ...
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not...
Oh, forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
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Q: Which direction is North in Australia ? (USA)

A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
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Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? (UK)

A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do...
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Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)

A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...
Oh, forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
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Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia ? (UK)

A: You are a British politician, right?
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Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)

A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers.
Milk is illegal.
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Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)

A: Rattlesnakes live in A-mer-i-ca which is where YOU come from.
All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
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Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia , but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)

A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
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Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia ? (USA)

A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
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Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia ? ( France )

A: Only at Christmas.
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Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)

A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.

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The Ah Hah Moment

I'm so happy. Vanny is back!!!! My little 2000 Dodge Caravan has a new transmission and is road worthy again.

We bought the van in 2000 when it was almost a year old and had about 10,000 miles on. When I dropped the transmission a couple of weeks ago, we spent a small amount of time looking for a replacement. Basically going for 3-4 year old vans, with 60,000 - 80,000 miles on them.

Searching over Washington & Oregon we found several likely suspects in the $8,000-10,000 price range. We started locally and finally were headed down to Portland when the Farm Boy & I looked at each other and said, "What ARE we doing?" A new transmission will cost roughly $2,500 and even if we have to throw a new engine in it later, for a minimum of $5,000 total we'd still have a rig who's mechanical history we know inside and out that should run happily for another 100,000 miles.

Hmmm.

We made a U-turn at the state border.

You know, if we just had money burning a hole in our pocket - buying another vehicle would have been fine. But we have college aged kids, a few unfortunate credit cards and a mortgage on our home. We have been counselled to get and stay out of debt. We've avoided "growing up" financially for (cough) ... a long time. No time like now to change that.

So fix "Vanny" it was. While I doubt it will make it another 10 years or 200,000 miles, climbing into my little van was sweet. 

The cool people may cringe when they find themselves riding in a minivan but in my book it's still "a good ride."
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Bumper Snicker

Smile and the world smiles with you.

  Pass gas and you stand alone.

Sorry, just had to share.
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How Do You Spell Sociopath?

You know you're in trouble when your teeth start to clench.

At our local high school last night. Ran into a school counsellor. We made small talk. During the conversation, the name of ***** ****, came up....

There was a pause. Then, "He's not a very nice boy," I say.

She laughs. "You mean he's a normal teenager."

"Uhh, nooo..."

Okay, time to switch subjects! Right now. Because this is going to be one of those things that we're going to have to agreed to disagree on. But just in case anyone is listening, or better yet, if anyone cares....let me elaborate.

First - what is normal?

My normal includes: being responsible, honest, diligent, having a sense of integrity, might even try being kind occasionally...You get where I'm going here?

These are not age restricted characteristics. You don't suddenly become honest at age 18, or kind at age 30. Granted being a good person, to a certain degree, is a learned process, someone probably will need to teach us to share but if you're into Everything I Needed to Know I Learned in Kindergarten you might agree that we can start having a pretty good handle on stuff starting in the 6-8 year old age range.

Hmmm...

So here we have a teenager who is relatively intelligent, quite good looking, and when he wants to be...very charming. He has a sweet mother, lives in a decent neighborhood, basically has a lot of advantages. Is able to participate in sports and other school activities and just for good measure is apparently sent away to church camp each summer.

And whadda ya get? A nicely wrapped package that inside contains a sneaky kid who is mean, abusive, dishonest, and a bully. The same "normal teenager" who torments those weaker or less agressive than he. Plus the morally bankrupt kid who, a year ago in middle school, panicked after utilizing the school janitor's closet with his then girl friend and told all his friends (aka anyone who wanted to listen), "Crap! She's pregnant. What am I going to do???" Followed shortly by, "Yes!! She had an abortion!!! DUCKED THAT BULLET, Bwahahahaha!" (Then high-fived everyone in the immediate vicinity.) Without, apparently, a single thought to the devastation he had left in his wake. But he had his hand firmly on the butt of the new girl friend shortly thereafter. Emphasis on the "shortly." Have I mentioned he was like...14 here???

Oh, I could rant on. Really I could. But to what purpose?

Might I remind the adults in this kid's life who insist on giving him a pass - this shouldn't be accepted as normal behavior.

I know this is a bit drastic but still - defense exhibit #1.

Ted Bundy.

I'm told that he too was intelligent, good looking, and charming. Quite a few women must have thought so also. The number ranges anywhere from 36 to over 100+, we'll never know for sure.

Wonder how many school counsellors thought he was a normal teenager too?
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Would You Like to Rephrase That?

I'm the "lead" in a group order collective. Folks figure out what they want, then they give me their list and money. I cash the checks, order for them, (using my credit card so hopefully they haven't given me a rubber check - but yeah it's happened,) sort the stuff when it arrives, and most of the time I'm nice enuf to deliver. The only benefit I receive from doing this is the same discount everyone else gets if we meet the minimum order requirements plus an occasional brownie point/pat on the back for organizing and dealing with the paperwork.  This last week a partial order came in. Rather than hold it and have all the boxes cluttering up my house I delivered what I had. The Youngest packed boxes to the doors for me and was instructed to tell folks that we would make the rounds again  when the rest of the order came in. At one particular house he handed the boxes over to the hubby, gave him my message and left.

This morning I find  two emails. The wife, of the above man, finally got around to opening her boxes today...proceeded to make a bee line to the computer and inform me that she was sure she'd been shorted and there was no way that that was $181 worth of product. Then went back and an hour later emailed again to let me know that indeed stuff was missing.

You think?

First, let's give a shout out to that reliable man for relaying a simple message. Yeah guy. Thanks - so much.

Second, let's have a little lesson on computer etiquette...if you're in a snit have questions, and need to communicate your concerns via email -  read it, reread it and then it's still probably a good idea to sit on it for a while before you hit send. The first one came across as if she were accusing me of misappropriating her money.

This good woman usually sets a store on appearances and tries very hard to be ladylike and gracious. I'm not saying she's not...but still that email could have used a little work.

You know, I spend a lot of time in small acts of service. Trying to do my bit to make the world...blah blah, blah blah. Of course I get irritated by people, which is one of the reasons why I started this blog - so I could bitch, get over it and get on with it. You know, my faults are legion, my virtues few, but I'm a  pretty straight shooter and to insinuate that I'm not...

I, of course, took my own advise. In replying to her email... I wrote it, reminding them, gently, that they had already been told it was a split order, (actually I think I just implied The Youngest may not have passed the message to give them an out, but he had, I'd checked as soon as he got back in the rig...) read it, reread it and then sent it.

I am sooo good.

Then I promptly vented here.
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FYI

The Dentist's Chair

Friend Wendy is forever talking about the indignities of aging. She's not at all shy about declaring her intent to have her chest restructured sometime soon. Doesn't want to be bigger just wants everything to be back where it used to be...before gravity intervened.

I'm here to tell you I've found a solution. At the dentist's they've got those handy dandy chairs that recline and tilt back?  Well, last week, I found myself being tilted back until I was becoming distinctly uneasy. Surely my head was down far enough?

No?

A little farther?

Okay, we're good, right?

Hey! Doc! Any further and I'm going to slide right out of the chair onto the floor! And then I became aware of a slight shift.

Uh-oh. More tilt. More shift.

I can feel my cheeks starting to burn and I'm thinking this is an "interesting" dilemma.

Wendy dear, think incline/inversion table. The girls haven't been that close to my chin for...years.

Who knew one should wear a sports bra to the dentist?????
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