Large and In Charge

Some friends and I had lunch together. One older woman, complimented her daughter by saying how intelligent, capable, and industrious she was. She also marvelled at how courageous her daughter and other young women were for demanding equality in their marriages in these modern days.

She had been conditioned by 50 years of marriage to serve her man. My heart broke as she quietly spoke of the terms of her marriage and that what she went through before her divorce was NOT uncommon. Being married, even to a good Christian, had little, if anything to do with being equal partners. She emphatically stated that things we take for granted now were just not done 50 years ago.

While there are and certainly have been good marriages throughout the ages, I also
realize that, too often, her point of view is valid. I grew up watching my dad beat my mom. Dinner not on time? BAM! Kid crying? WHAM! He didn't have a good day? Slam! All my mom's fault. Every time. Without fail.

Even though I was the "favorite" child I came in for my fair share of abuse. One time, when I was about four years old, "someone" didn't flush the toilet. I don't know who it was...I only knew it wasn't me and the other three kids, weren't about to fess up. So we all got to stand in a line outside the bathroom while Dad took off his belt and beat each of us individually, then had us go flush the toilet. Being the youngest, I was at the end of the line. I remember being terrified. I was crying and standing there in wet pants because I was so scared. There was no way to escape punishment that I did not deserve. Mom was too afraid to intervene. She never did.

When this occurs repeatedly, to me it seems there are one of two things which happens..."they" can either break you or make you.

I couldn't do a lot about it when I was little. As I grew I realized there would always be people bigger or stronger than me and they might catch me by surprise the first time but I vowed, there would never be a second time. Me, my children or those I was tasked to protect would not be victims. At least not on my watch.

So to some, it appears I have a bit of a "chip" on my shoulder...And through my life I've really come to appreciate the fact that if a man is somewhat aggressive people tend to label him as assertive. But if a woman is assertive, well, okay, she's just a bitch doncha know?

That was brought home to me several years ago. I was assigned a new sister to visit.  She's married to a man who has, let's say, taken her for granted for a good many years. Being a humble woman she has strived diligently to be a good wife and mother, but has sacrificed much to do so.

It was almost priceless when, during our first visit he happened to come inside. He walked in, saw me, and stopped dead in his tracks.

The only thing he said? "You're not going to teach my wife any bad habits are you?"

???

To myself - snort, maybe!!  Then I searched my mind for a politically correct answer.

I managed to muster a suitably sincere/innocent expression...

"Why no, of course not." We stared looked at each other for a moment.

I may have batted my eyes a time or two.

He grumbled something under his breath and left the room.

His sweet wife raised her eyebrow but didn't say anything else.

You know...

I look around and see my friends husbands and other supposedly good men doing some really interesting things. The question begs to be answered. Have things really changed?

Or have those nice, Christian men, who need to be large and in charge just gotten sneakier with the crap they pull?