Yum?

It's been a little over a month since I attended a seminar on lap band (bariatric) surgery.

Not feeling it.

First & foremost it's a minimum of $15,000 that insurance will not cover that I don't have. But secondly, the doctor/surgeon cheerfully stood before us and held up one of the little two tablespoon plastic cups (the kind you use to measure your cough medicine into?) and said, "This is it!" Apparently that would be our new reality for the REST OF OUR TIME HERE ON EARTH. 2T of protein 3x a day. That's it, breakfast, lunch & dinner folks. Welcome to your new life.

They brought in one of their recent "success" stories to share her journey with us. She looked good. Petite, little blond. Kinda nervous about speaking in front of a group but mostly it was her eyes that gave me pause. She looked...haunted. Don't ask me to explain better, she just didn't strike me as a happy girl. Happy that she'd lost 100+ lbs. yes, but happy with her new life? I just wasn't getting that from her.

I left.

Decided to start my own post-bariatric surgery diet. Most days I try for about 60g of protein and try to keep the calories between 500-750 per day. Other days well....

End results are that I've lost 25 lbs. in a month. Family physician was dancing around. Thought that was just fabulous! Obviously if I'd followed it strictly it would have been more. But I'll try for another 25 this month and sooner or later if I stick to my guns we'll get there. Like I told Dr. Krause, "All I have to do is lose 50 pounds...three times."

The one thing I've learned is that carbs, for me, are the enemy. I am totally addicted. If I can stay away from them I start to lose the cravings for them after 5-6 days. If I slip up, have one "little" bit...off I go again, falling face first into a plate of whatever. One point the bariatric doctor made was to get the junk out of the house - "if it's there and you can get to it - YOU WILL EAT IT." And he is soooo right.

Enter the diet saboteurs. Those people who bring you treats, yummies, goodies. There are smiling offers of, "but you love this!" Ahhh. Deep, cleansing breath. You know it's hard enuf to control myself without having to beat them off too. But sometimes it's almost funny.

Oreos. Double stuffed Oreos. Into the house they waltz and are presented to me. The Youngest is told to stay out of them by our local saboteur, that they are for me, and me only.  My eyes cross.

I think about whacking the man over the head with the cookies. Instead, I firmly push them away. He leaves and I point at The Youngest. "There you go," I say. He grins and whisks them out of the room.

Unfortunately a whole bag of Oreos is a bit much even for the staunchest teenager. Later, he leaves the package lying on the counter. I ignore them but by the next evening they are calling my name. And I think, well, maybe...just one. I quietly nudge the cellophane aside.

You know that old commercial. The one where the jingle goes..."Oh, a kid will eat the middle of an Oreo first and save the chocolate cookie outside for last?"

I am revved up for an Oreo but what do I see?

Dead soldiers.

Laying like corpses scattered in a battlefield are naked chocolate cookies. The double stuffing is gone. All that remains are the hard, dry, chocolate husks that once enveloped the creamy goodness. But they are pressed back together...

Who does he think he's fooling? Apparently The Youngest is too young to remember the jingle. He was supposed to eat the chocolate cookie last along with, we assume, copious amounts of milk.

Bwahahaha. Didn't happen.

And I suppose it was all for the best, 'cause it sure cut down on their desirability factor.
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